I’ve been writing a blog and working as a content writer for a couple of years: it’s taught me a lot about writing articles that are appealing to the online community. I’ve learned that people have really tiny attention spans, which is why everything article has to be in list format with a title that says “the top ten (fill in the blank). People also have no interest in anything that isn’t about them, which is why online quizzes are so poplar. I’m no exception: I could spend all day on Buzzfeed finding out which Disney Cartoon character I am.
But I’m much too self-important to write such foofy articles, so I’ve tried to think of something really important—and I’ve put that important topic into a list format. Hopefully, this will keep people’s attention just long enough that they learn a valuable lesson. So, without further ado, here are the
Top Ten Things You Really Need To Stop Facebooking about
10) Top 5 and top 10 lists.
Common people! The “top five best Crayola crayon colors ever??!” Other countries use social media to topple oppressive dictatorships. The U.S. makes lists of top 5 people that “you would love to smoke up with” and puts Bert and Ernie on that list. Have a little respect for yourselves!
9) Name meaning memes.
Please, for the love of God, stop posting “name meaning” memes. Everyone is truly ecstatic that the “C” in your name has some sort of cosmic effect on your personality and makes you “charitable” but the news feed is for feeding news to those who give a crap and, let me tell you, we do not give a crap.
For some reason, people think it STILL #hilarious to put a million hashtags into a status update. That was funny for #likeasecond. But Hashtags actually have a #purpose, which is to connect subject matter on a single platform. Also, #reallylonghastagareequallyuselessandunfunny. (This is what you sound like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57dzaMaouXA). #Shutthefuckup
Wow. A picture of the back of someone’s head with a cutesy bow! Nice picture of a bathtub! I have never seen one of those before and, now that I have, it really changes my perspective of the world! Thanks for sharing!!
6) Mildly entertaining memes.
We get it—pictures of squirrel with huge “nuts” are pretty funny… One time. But there is just too many of them. Besides, you’re posting these sight gags like you came up with them. People silently judge you for repurposing someone else’s material to make yourself look funny (at least I do).
5) Cutesy and inspirational quotes.
Just remember, that those cutesy little pictures and adoring phrases are so sickly sweet that they give everyone diabetes. People tend to regard other people who talk in an overly candied way with a lot of suspicion. This is partly because we suspect that you are attempting to lure small children into the back of a van.
4) Religious quotes.
Look, we get it. Your spirituality is really important to you and I’m not going to try and make some asinine argument about freedom of religion. But express it in a unique fashion, or make an intelligent argument, or go to church, or live your life as Jesus would. I have trouble believing God is up in heaven just lazily clicking “share” on every repurposed picture of a waterfall with a phase about God’s love written over it.
3) Personal goodbye messages to celebrities.
You didn’t know them. You’re just “lighting up the twitisphere” with sorrowful laments to make yourself look cool (which is why your write it as a status update for everyone to see). These celebs had a gazillion dollars, yet they chose to spend their time gobbling up a mix of Xanax, cocaine, paint thinner, and peyote. When they die of “heart complications” people act like this is a huge tragedy. People die in real tragedies all over the world everyday. Where’s their farewell? And don’t give me any crap about the “pressures of stardom.” What about the pressures of not having enough money to buy a private island? I somehow get by without one and you don’t see me with sharpie markers up my nose.
2) Duck Face photos.
You are not a brilliant photographer just because you purse your lips and take a photo of yourself in the bathroom from a high angle. People won’t envy your life if every photo is you in a cocktail dress with an expensive drink, smooshing your face into your best girlfriend’s cheek. They MIGHT hold an intervention but probably no one will care enough to do so.
1) Pictures of food
Yes, we understand that you are unique in that you eat food and sometimes you enjoy it. We understand that you’ve taken a pretty picture of food and somehow that expresses WHO YOU ARE to the outside world, but the outside world does not give a fuck. The only exceptions to this rule are things like wedding cakes for posterity.
I guess the point here is that people should be strive to be unique and creative but we will never get there just by pinning things that other people pinned before us. Remember, life doesn’t have a remote. Get up and change it yourself. (There. I just ripped that last sentence off of my newsfeed. Since I copy-pasted it into this blog post I must be really insightful, right? RIGHT! VALIDATE ME!)