I don’t know why, but recently I’ve been thinking about ways for people to be popular and self-confident. I thought I would share some of my thoughts on the subject; I hope some one finds these useful. These are mostly for men, but ladies might find this advice useful also:
Buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks: This is guaranteed to make you some new and very appreciative friends. Every time you walk by, people will raise their glasses in your direction and think to themselves, “I have no idea who that guy is, but he’s alright in my book.”
Wear a Where’s Waldo Costume everywhere you go: I did this at a Halloween Party recently. Every time I walked into the room some stranger would say, “There you are!” as if everyone had been looking for me all night. As an added bonus, you get to run around like a ninja and people will just think you are cool. Plus, you can make friends by photo bombing selfie-taking millennials. This shows off your humorous side when they realize they caught Waldo on camera and it’s a great way to get a girl’s number (“Hey, send me that pic!)
Go to Starbucks and order a drink: When they ask for a name to put on the side of the cup tell them your name is something really epic like Adonis, Achilles, or Thor. Then say in a really self-assured way, “Yes, I would like whip cream on top.”
Try some new styles: if they don’t work, move on to something else, but the only way to find out is to try. (My discoveries: Apparently I can wear orange clothes but golf shorts are a big no-no). Consider one of those pimp-canes that with a cigarette lighter on the end.
Pay someone: People will do pretty much anything for the right price, which includes being your friend. This solution has an elegant simplicity to it that really can’t be beat.
Find or make an app: Get your cellphone to send you upbeat messages about how pretty you look today.
Accomplish an easy goal: this usually works better if you make it sound really impressive using some creative wordage to brag about it. Instead of telling people that you walked a mile, say that you walked 160,934.4 centimeters. Try to mumble your way through the word “centimeters.”
Bring cookies to work to share: and none of that oatmeal raisin junk. Throw some M&M’s into that shit. If you boss is pretty cool (or if you are the boss) consider bringing whip cream vodka in with the cookies.
Give a 300% tip at a restaurant: Ideally this would be a place that you go regularly so the staff knows you. Don’t give 300% every time—just at random intervals so that those bitches have to suck up to you because they might get a good tip.
Go to a strip club with lots of 20’s: Chances are good that some seriously underdressed and attractive women are going to think you are the most attractive man in the bar.
Get a dog: because those fuckers are like, the most adoring things ever, especially if you give it people food.
Mail-order Bride: the nuclear option for those of us who can’t meet women.
Vote: Today is Election Day. Go to your local voting station and make a difference. Tell everyone on Facebook that you voted also. Consider telling everyone that you voted for Bill Clinton as a write-in candidate because, “the player knew how to swing it.” And then tell them that by “it” you mean a smooth saxophone rhythm.