This week is Thanksgiving. Hurray. The holidays are here. And with the holidays come some time-honored traditions like telling people you love them and wearing ugly sweaters that itch a lot. There are some really special holiday traditions that I particularly enjoy:
Arguing about the Cranberry Sauce
Personally, I love cranberry sauce but there are a lot of people out there that cannot stand the stuff. This inevitably leads to vicious battle about whether cranberry sauce should even been included at the thanksgiving table. Then when everyone finally agrees that they might as well make one more dish, someone objects to “that fake stuff from a can” or doesn’t want it served hot… or cold… or as a jiggly cylinder the falls out of can with an obscene sucking noise.
The Turkey Pissing Contest
This holiday season some dude will almost certainly brag about the size of his turkey saying, “I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to fit the turkey in my oven. Yep, it’s 18 pounds of pure, hormone injected American goodness.” A comment like that will undoubtedly ruffle some other dude’s feathers, leading to a one-up contest: “Oh, 18 pounds? That’s nothing. You should see the size of my 25-pound albatross. I had to rent a U-Haul to get it home from the store.”
I don’t know who had the brilliant idea of taking a sweet potato and adding brown sugar and marshmallows, but KUDOS to that person. Americans are often criticized for eating too healthily so adding gratuitous amounts of sugar to things that should not have sugar is a good way to solve this problem and give a lot of people diabetes.
No holiday would be complete without a huge fight about where to spend the holidays. This usually goes one of two ways: either 1) You do something sensible and mortally offend half the family, or 2) You make a plan that makes landing a rover on Mars look like child’s play. You spend the entire day driving around having several Thanksgiving meals, and still someone manages to get offended.
Grocery Store Shake-Ups
Nothing feels more festive than a frantic round of supermarket bumper-carts and angry glaring. There’s also the Frozen Turkey Feint—you know, when you open the freezer door to pick out a turkey and someone immediately runs up and grinds on you as a way to politely let you know that they really, really need to look at all the turkeys right now! There’s no end to the holiday fun to be found in a grocery store.
People (rarely) resort to actually throwing pies during the holiday. However, there is usually a good deal boasting and snide retorts about pie quality. Tell me if this sounds familiar:
Person 1: “Oh, my mom makes the BEST apple.”
Person 2: “Sure, if you like a bunch of sour apples glazed in baby-vomit, then yes. Now, my great aunt, Gertrude—she’s the real pie Jedi. She was inducted in the Pie Hall of Fame by Betty Crocker herself.
The Buzz-killing comments about Genocide
It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without someone sarcastically saying, “The pilgrims slaughtered a bunch of Native American’s and now we have Thanksgiving to celebrate! Hurray!” This speech is traditionally made by a person trying to appear less racist than all the other people in the room. This speech is a great public service because no holiday about being thankful would be complete without a healthy dose of cynicism to make everyone feel bad about themselves for things that happened 400 years ago.